Bad Horror Movies

by Ronnie Angel
(Wenatchee,WA)

Recently I read an article on this site about the worst horror movies of all time. Now while I definitely commend Jennifer for writing about bad horror movies and have the utmost respect for her choices, the one complaint I have is that those movie choices just weren’t crappy enough. Not quite B-Z grade enough. To really understand the worst of the worst bad horror movies you have to dig deep into the shelves of the musty mom and pop video store. And who better to guide you through this colorful cavalcade of crappy cinema than the Best-Horror-Movies.com resident B-Movie expert, Ronnie Angel?

Now be forewarned children, some of these excursions into crappy cinema are truly, truly awful so view at your own risk. Some of these movies sucked so bad that even I totally lost interest in the movie, so don't expect an actual review – just a warning of impending horribleness.

Anyways, enjoy the list of the top 5 bad horror movies but beware!! Here we go…

Don't Go Into the Woods! (1982)

Holy Jeez! This has got to be one the most excruciating movies I have ever sat through. Even after consuming near-fatal levels of alcohol and suffering a massive head injury this movie would still suck. There is absolutely no plot, no character development, no rationale - just mindless killing. Honestly, for about 90 minutes a guy who looks like Tom Hanks on Cast Away runs around the woods killing random people who have no introductions while some crappy synth music plays the duration! The whole movie with no letup!!! The characters are basically like, "Hi, I’m on screen.... and now I’m dead!" That’s it! God Awful!

S.I.C.K. Serial Insane Clown Killer (2003)

S.I.C.K is a horrible addition to the ‘direct to video’ category of bad horror movies. I saw this one a couple years back, and I still don't know what compelled me to rent it. First off the acting is beyond terrible - these people look like they are reading the dialogue off of cocktail napkins the whole time. And the dialogue…it sounds like it may have been written by someone with severe brain trauma. Then there is the fact that, although S.I.C.K is supposed to be set in the deep woods, you can clearly see city lights in the background betraying the suburban setting. The budget must have been incredibly low. The killer himself is just well…just there. No real explanation, just some killer clown in the woods....well there is kind of an explanation... but it doesn't help. This is one of the bad horror movies to avoid like the plague.

Darkness (2004)

No not the metal band with the girlie sounding singer, rather the horrible 2004 theatrical movie release. Not sure if really anybody else bothered to sit through this one, and to count The Darkness as one of the top 5 bad horror movies is an understatement. Unfortunately I saw it in the theatre and I still want my money back! It was just incredibly unbearable to sit through. A family moves into a weird old house in Europe, strange things begin to happen...then boring things...then stupid things...then things that don't make sense....then the movie is over. Eh.

House of the Dead (2003)

I got to see this one at the theater also. The dollar theater. And I knew the owner so it was free. And I still felt ripped off! A group of teens throw a big rave on an island. Zombies attack. Clint Howard dies really early on. Kids find automatic weapons. Kids turn into weapons experts/martial arts experts and deadly zombie killers within seconds. Movie turns into the matrix with some stop motion/slow motion actions scenes. People die. Zombies die. Nothing makes sense. All of this on something like a ten dollar budget. Ahhhhhhh, you get the point. I would rather wear Oprah’s panties like a ski mask than watch this....while she is in them!

Nail Gun Massacre (1985)

Horrible movie? Yes. On the list of bad horror movies? Certainly. Do I have a soft spot for this rare piece of sleazy trash? You betcha. Kind of like Plan 9 from Outer Space, This is one horrible movie that you really want to watch again after you see it the first time. Awful acting. Awful dialogue. Awful everything, yet still entertaining unlike the others on this list. Nail Gun Massacre centers on someone driving around Texas in a hearse, wearing a mask and killing people with, that’s right, a nail gun!! It all starts when a girl gets raped by a construction crew, and then the killing starts. So does the hilarity. This is a good kind of the bad horror movies, and I thought there should be at least one on this list of horrible horror movies. Check this one out if you get the chance, or avoid it. Whatever works.