Cowboy Killer is the Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen. No, really. The Worst Ever.
Written by BHM Editor The Horror Czar, Don Sumner
December 11, 2008
Watch the Cowboy Killer Horror Movie Trailer!
Release: 2008
Directed by: Jason Baustin
Written by: Jason Baustin and Ben Solenberger
Starring:
Paul Bailey as Roy Thompson, The Cowboy Killer
David L. Buckler as Jeffrey Dalmer
Chris Kennedy as Jimmy Dalmer
Best-Horror-Movies.com is a big supporter of Independent horror. We watch and review a good number of Indies here and, although the reviews are always fair and accurate, there is a certain amount of “searching” to make sure that good elements are acknowledged where appropriate. Sure, “sucks” is as “sucks” does, but there is usually something positive to be said about even the most amateurish and pointless use of good film or video tape. I make a solemn vow that I will search with every ounce of my being for at least something good to say about Cowboy Killer by the time I conclude this review. I make no promises, but I will do my damndest.
Roy Thompson (Paul Bailey) is a cowboy. Roy is also a killer… the Cowboy Killer. Roy rides around town in his pickup truck, finds young women, promises them that they are “in for a damn treat” and proceeds to kill them,
hack them apart, fantasize that they are�still alive proclaiming undying love for him and French kiss their very fake-looking decapitated heads. Well, not all the time… occasionally he kidnaps drunks to take them camping or goes on a shooting rampage in auto repair shops, but mainly he likes the ladies.
Once the bodies start to pile up everyone who has a beef with the caustic cowboy, for�reasons such as ‘he killed my girlfriend’ or ‘he didn’t pay his cable bill’, starts to seek�him out. At final count there is a high school student, two cops, some strippers, the cable guys and the town drunks, all looking to bring the killer to justice. Will the hapless crew of townsfolk find the killer before he can kill again? If they do find him, can they survive the confrontation? Are decorative candy canes effective deadly weapons? Is the cable guy really a racist? The answers to these questions and more await you in the Indie horror film Cowboy Killer.
This film is just really dumb. The acting is terrible (with the slight exception of Paul Bailey as the killer), the script is atrocious and most of the scenes are painful to watch. Listen, just so you don’t think I say this because I’m a stick in the mud, I love horror comedy and especially those films that have over- the- top characters and corny cheese as part of the equation. I can see what this one is trying to be, I think. It is corny, over- the- top and goofy with cheesy lines, drug jokes, drunk jokes, stoner jokes, redneck jokes, cottage-cheesy strippers… wait, maybe I don’t know what this one is trying to be, but I do know that it didn’t hit it.
If a couple of things were different in my life experience then I may have thought this film was pretty good. Yes, if every one of the following conditions was met, in order, I may be singing a different tune…
- �If this film were done by a group of fraternity brothers (which, by the looks of it, it could have been), and…
- �If I was in that fraternity and knew them all (nope), and…
- �If the film were played at a kegger during rush week (didn’t get my invite), and…
- �If I were really drunk (getting there), and…
- �If I had just experimented with Crack for the first time (not yet), and…
- �If immediately after watching this film I got a massage by the hottest movie star in the universe (Yeah, right), and…
- �If, after showering off the baby oil I was given a million dollars for my trouble (LOL)…
Then… I might have liked Cowboy Killer. Alas, my shoulders are still tight.
To be fair, the last 15 minutes were a bit better than the eternity that preceded them, and there was one line where the stoner cable guy proclaimed the racism of his partner that made me laugh (that’s two good things!). I still can’t believe I made it to the end, but I’m a professional - Don’t try this at home. Questions or comments about Cowboy Killer? Discuss it on The Ossuary Forums!
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