Hellhounds is Everything Stereotypically Wrong with Syfy Channel Original Movies.
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Hellhounds has the wooden acting, laughable effects, an overlong story, nonsensical settings, and more… it’s all here in this SyFy Channel Original.
Written by James “Crypticpsych” Lasome
December 27, 2010
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Release: July 19, 2009 (USA)
Directed by: Rick Schroder
Written by: Paul A. Birkett and Jason Borque
Starring:
Scott Elrod as Kleitos
Adam Butcher as Nikandros
Amanda Brooks as Demetria
James A. Woods as Theron
Andrew Howard as Andronikus
Kleitos (Elrod, playing “Greek Hero Archetype #136”) is an Ancient Grecian warrior who fights alongside his cohorts Theron and Andronikus (Woods and Howard). He’s also managed to earn the hand of the Princess Demetria (Brooks) and is preparing to marry her. At the wedding, though, she is suspiciously poisoned with hemlock. Kleitos heads to a local Seer (perfectly hammily played by Indra Ové) who informs him that Demetria’s soul has been sent to Hades where she is to become the Lord of the Dead’s virgin bride. Kleitos vows to reclaim her soul and save her life. He gathers a group composed of his usual compatriots, four warriors who we will call “redshirts” (they never really speak or are given names), and his scholar brother, Nikandros (Butcher), who we will call “Walking Greek Mythology Exposition”. Together they venture through the forests and caves to The Underworld where they must find Demetria’s soul and defeat Hades, all while avoiding his vicious hellhounds.
Hellhounds comes to us from RHI Entertainment, famous producers of low-budget Syfy Channel Original Movies, and it carries every single stereotype those movies have come to be known for. It’s not completely without merit, though. For one, as I mentioned, Indra Ové nails her role as “The Seer”. She’s the only character in this movie legitimately having fun with her role, seeming to know exactly what she’s in. Also, as much as Nikandros is literally a walking Greek Mythology textbook, he’s easily the 
most likeable of the main characters as he grows from bookworm to warrior. Finally, I should say that Rick Schroder (yes, he of NYPD Blue fame) did direct passably. Any other enjoyment, though, comes from how bland, overlong, and unintentionally funny this film is.
What’s wrong with Hellhounds? Oh, let me count the flaws. In the first scene, in a Greek mythology movie, we meet two Russian-accented characters, a Scottish-accented character, and two characters with no discernible accent. I get that this was filmed in Romania, but still, RUSSIAN? Our lead actor is possibly the most wooden, emotionless performance I’ve ever seen. The viewer almost never believes that Kleitos is concerned about the situation he’s in; he’s just going through the motions. Hades looks fine as a villain… until his voice and CGI makeup destroy his credibility. Plus, the horrors of the Underworld primarily appear to be a desert and ordinary catacombs that our characters aimlessly wander through, not to mention the CG flaming skull cave.
Speaking of the Underworld, let’s talk about knowing your budgetary limits. I realize, mythically, there’s a River Styx in the Underworld. But if you can’t afford to ever SHOW THE RIVER, you can do without the absurd blue-shot scenes of the characters crossing! If your big effect in which the characters get sucked through a wall is a blatant green-screen shot, maybe you should rethink that sequence. If you can only rarely afford to show your title monsters, maybe you should rethink your whole PREMISE! 
And no, blurry running dog-vision P.O.V. shots DON’T COUNT. Of course, when we actually see the hounds, they’re just bad CGI who are almost never shown actually physically attacking a character. They only run around, stalk, and attack things off camera.
The Hellhounds script at times has characters kill people in ways that defy logic (let’s attack a God with a BOW AND ARROW), only to have Nikandros realize how ludicrous the shot was and explain to Kleitos (and the audience) how it worked. It also pulls off the rare feat of being both predictable and surprising. It’s predictable in that the viewer knows from the beginning who the hidden evil character is and can also pick out the order of character death with their eyes closed! Here’s a hint: If your character has virtually no lines and just kind of stands around, you’re dog food. If you’re a minor character barely involved in the “A” story, yeah, you’re probably done for too; you’ll just survive longer.
It’s surprising, on the other hand, in that Hellhounds never knows when it should end. I counted somewhere between 6 and 8 different moments in the last half of this movie where it could have logically ended… only to pull a plot convenience out that dragged the movie on another 5 to 10 minutes. It takes a lot of work to make an 83 minute movie too long, but this pulls it off (consider that the plot synopsis I wrote describes events that reach initial tidy resolution HALFWAY IN).
Hellhounds only has worth as a laughably bad attempt at a Greek Mythology monster movie. Any likeable performances or characters drown amid horrid effects, wooden acting, and an overlong story. Maybe Kleitos should head down into the Underworld again and try and find the heart and soul this movie seriously lacks.
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