Lesbian Vampires is Impossibly Bad
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Lesbian Vampires is so bad I'm shocked it's gotten a DVD release. Badly acted, badly shot, pointless interminable sex scenes, and a barely followable story. There is NOTHING redeemable about this film.
Written by James "Crypticpsych" Lasome
January 30, 2011
Buy on Amazon
Movie Trailer
Image Vallery
Release: September 15, 2003; November 23, 2010 (most recent DVD)
Written and Directed by: Tim Swartz
Starring:
Lolita Langsuir as Carmilla
Stephanie Bloode as Lilith
Theda Baire as The Lover
Circe as Muffy the Vampire Slayer
A movie called Lesbian Vampires conjures up certain expectations. There are some concessions one can make in terms of quality. That isn't this movie's real name though. No, this movie was originally called Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires: The Curse of Ed Wood!. That should say everything that one needs to know. Basically, to the best of my interpretation, this movie is the story of a woman named Lilith (Bloode) who gets abducted by the lesbian vampire mistress Carmilla (Langsuir). Carmilla wants to make Lilith her lesbian sex slave for all eternity. Meanwhile, Muffy the Vampire Slayer (Circe, and God I can't believe I just typed that) discovers Carmilla's plan and convinces Lilith's lesbian ex-lover to help her stop Carmilla. Meanwhile, in a wraparound segment, Mr. Creepo (who apparently presented this piece of garbage), is hunting a cemetery for the spirit of his uncle Ed (as in Ed Wood) because of how badly the movie turned out.
You know, I didn't think it was possible for a movie THIS BAD to get so many DVD releases (it's had about 4, by itself and in public domain packs)! No actor in Lesbian Vampires comes remotely close to a good 
performance much less is it possible to tell many of these characters apart. Lines are read woodenly and more than once we have that bane of my existence, horrible line dubbing. Beyond that, multiple people stumble over what few lines there are between the copious unnecessary groping. The audio is also consistently dreadful, with the background music masking a few lines, and repetitious sound effects so weird the viewer has no idea what the hell they're supposed to be! At one point, I could've sworn they had taken a bag of popcorn and shaken it a few times in front of a microphone. Nearest I can tell, they were going for bat wings, but there were NO bats on screen!
The effects in Lesbian Vampires are horrendous as well. For instance, is it too much to ask in a low-budget movie that when a vampire bites someone that there ACTUALLY BE BITE MARKS? See, apparently, these actresses and actors just spontaneously spurt blood right out of their skin with no visible holes or open wounds! However, I guess the problem might be the misaligned vampire fangs or the other characters that are visibly using (and lisping) from those little plastic ones you get from Halloween stores.
The plot that I described at the beginning of this really only applies to very little of the film. The rest is padded out with various characters who don't matter, 6 minutes of credits and unfunny bloopers, and pointless "sexy" scenes that add nothing to the overall storyline. These sexy scenes include a tepid extended spanking scene, multiple tepid grope and kiss fests, and my personal least favorite… the blood bath. In it, our two actresses head into a shower (shown to have water running) and proceed to douse themselves with fake blood from a bag much like one would find in a hospital. This scene feels like it goes on forever and gets more ludicrous when the viewer, every so often, can see that someone off-screen is spraying them with more blood because the "bag" tactic just doesn't work that well.
The director shoots Lesbian Vampires with widely varying video qualities, most of which seem like they could've been shot with a low-quality camcorder. He also has a really annoying padding quirk of using montages of stock 
footage shot in and around New York City. Is there any reason this film needed to take place in NYC? No, I just think he needed to fill out his already bloated-to-hell 80 minute running time. Then there's the plethora of real cemetery scenes, raising the question "Who the hell let these people make this movie over the remains of people???" The filming of this almost feels like grave desecration for me given there's even a scene where an actress lies "seductively" on a person's gravemarker! And for the record, I feel dirty for living within the same state where part of this dreck was shot since I knew the nightclub two characters ended up in front of near the end.
Avoid Lesbian Vampires at all costs. Ed Wood would not be proud of you, he's spinning in his grave and would disown you if you were really his nephew. I don't rate this movie badly because I hate indie or low-budget movies, I rate it down because it's horrible regardless of its budget and has no heart and soul to it. The idea that this film has had multiple DVD releases is the kind of thing that has to stick in some indie filmmakers craws when they would die for just one ultra-limited one. In a sentence: Lesbian Vampires is bad acting, bad effects, overuse of totally unsexy sex, bad direction: JUST PLAIN BAD.
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