BHM Horror Movie Review of Snakes on a Plane - or Snakes on a Nipple...Snakes Everywhere!
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Snakes on a plane, snakes on a nipple, snakes on a penis, snakes up a skirt - The only place these snakes were not is where they belonged which was on the ground and in a cage!!!
Written by BHM Contributor Dr. Chills
March 7, 2007
Release: 2006
Directed by: David R. Ellis
Written by: John Heffernan, Sebastian Gutierrez and David Dalessandro
Starring:
Samuel L. Jackson as Neville Flynn
Julianna Margulies as Claire Miller
Nathan Phillips as Sean Jones
Rachel Blanchard as Mercedes
Snakes on a Plane begins on the beautiful island of sunny Oahu, Hawaii. The camera pans scenic views of the ocean and mountains then slowly settles on a lone motorcycle rider cruising along the windward coast. Enter John Saunders (Mark Houghton). Nothing could prepare young John for what he was about to experience. A leisurely bike ride in the country was about to turn into a nightmare. Maybe he shouldn't have littered his cleverly placed energy drink container that later came back to bite him like a snake.
John (Mark Houghton) encounters the Yakuza, better known as the Japanese Mafia, in the midst of a ghastly, violent and bloody hit on an unfortunate state prosecutor. Neville Flynn (Samuel L. Jackson) and Nathan Phillips (Sean Jones) are tasked with escorting the young man back to the mainland in order for him to serve as an eye witness in a case for the prosecution against the head of a Japanese crime family. Enter the snakes!!!
Imagine hundreds of phallic, slippery, sultry and aggressive snakes doped up on Crack and sex hormones, all let loose on a not too large Boeing 747 full of men, women, dogs and children. Couple that with a P Diddy type rap star, two overweight play station playing bodyguards, one bona fide executive prick, horny teenage lovers, a Chihuahua, a male chauvinist pilot, two hot and sexy stewardesses, an acrophobic hypochondriac and that is Snakes on a Plane - you've got a recipe for trouble.
Snakes on a Plane was not horrifying, or terrorizing, but it did legitimately get my adrenaline going from time to time. It was what it was, a pretty decent action adventure thriller.
There were a few obvious inaccuracies in this film. For example, you don't get leis when leaving Hawaii; you get them when you first land on the Island. In the real 
world the flowers bestowed on the departing tourists would be have been seized by U.S. agricultural agents as soon as they hit LA. And since when do head mafia crime bosses carry out their own hits? I would think there would be a willing underling to do the dirty work. And what about the old adage for identifying poisonous snakes by applying the "red next to black is a friend of Jack" and that "red next to yellow will kill a fellow" rule? I saw plenty of red and black snakes in this film doing much damage.
Oh, and it would really be wonderful if human reflexes with a stun gun were as precise and quick as those of a King Cobra, but somehow I just can't imagine that being the case.
Overall, I would recommend Snakes on a Plane for anyone who wants a no-brain type of movie that will elevate your blood pressure significantly more than On Golden Pond, but slightly less than Die Hard or an episode of 24.
Snakes on a Plane won't scare you, but it will certainly amuse and thrill. �Just make sure that the next time you board a plane your pants are tucked into your socks. Questions or comments about Snakes on a Plane? Contact us!
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