TERRIBLE Horror Movie!

by The Squatch

To me, the true essence of a horrible movie is when, despite the lack of any shred of talent, good special effects, decent plot, decent acting...whatever...I finish watching it anyway. You see, the true connoisseur of a truly TERRIBLE horror movie is basically a bit of a masochist. We torture ourselves by viewing the worst we can find, eyes glued to the screen. Kind of like a train wreck...you can’t look away, no matter how much you wish you could. Films that would make your mother have deep legitimate concerns about your well being...good stuff! It’s THESE kinds of movies that attract me.

About a year and a half ago, already having a love of cheesy movies, I decided to try to find and view "The Worst Horror Movie Ever". I am discovering that the true lesson in such a quest lies along the terrible horror movie path taken, and not at the end of the journey. It seems to be about watching many wretched films, and enjoying every one of them.

Now that I have finished with the "Wise Guru" crap...on to the reviews of five more of the worst I have seen...


1. Monster a Go-Go (1965, Directed by Bill Rebane)

We start out with the terrible horror movie heavy guns for this review, and damn, I can’t tell you when I have witnessed a more vile display of celluloid mind-rape. This steaming pile starts when an astronaut crashes back to earth, horribly irradiated, and grows to mutant proportions. So far, so good, eh? Radioactive mutants are wonderful things, right? Not so much in this film....Aside from pointless and flat dialogue, police cars that magically change make and model (and even color) all in the same ten minute drive and acting so bad that Ed Wood would threaten to stab the performers, this has to be a perfect example of how NOT to end a movie. Just as our police heroes corner the ten-foot mutant, we get a sudden twist ending...

The mutant astronaut in this terrible horror movie, who has been running amok and crazy-like, is found 8000 miles away, in a life-raft, unharmed and perfectly normal. This means there was no monster!? This means the hour and change I gave you watching this colostomy bag of a movie is now null and void?! YOU SWINE! May the ghost of Lon Chaney violate you with a claw hammer! You will suffer, I swear it!!!!

Anyone who doesn’t list this terrible horror movie in the Top 5 Worst, should be punished by actually having to watch it. If Mr.T were here, he'd pity the fool!


2. The Curious Dr. Humpp (1971, Directed by Emilio Vieyra)

I can’t decide if I love this terrible horror movie, or if I should gouge out my own eyes if I ever watch it again. Ahh the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. The Curious Dr. Humpp is a strange little number originally titled "La Venganza del Sexo" (The Vengeance of Sex) from Argentina. It was renamed for the American audience, re-dubbed, and apparently had extra sex-scenes added to pad its run time. "Dr. Humpp" is very machismo scientist (almost Ricardo Montalban kind of machismo!) who has discovered that certain chemicals released in the human body during sex can prolong human life. So, naturally assuming he can live forever, he conducts his wacky experiments on lovely co-eds who have been kidnapped by Humpp's pet monster (whom I have dubbed "Plot"). Let’s just say Plot makes a few cameos. "Hey, look! It’s Plot!" Aside from lurking about looking retarded, Plot doest do much except serenade a hippy chick. Hey, even retarded laboratory monsters need some luvin', ya know? Judging by the name alone, you may have guessed this terrible horror movie may have some nekkidness. This is an astute observation. Don’t get too excited, however. We are talking about 1971 here…just a bit of frontal nudity, some heavy petting, and a smidge of dry-humping.

YAY! Titty-Factor!

Calling this film a bit ridiculous is like telling a New Orleans resident they may be experiencing some "moisture". Nevertheless, our good pal Titty-Factor is always there to lend a....erm...uh,..hand. Not so much killing or gore here, just some silliness and a brain in a jar. Did I mention the talking brain in the jar? Yah, there’s that too. Overall, this film isn’t entirely horrid, but certainly a terrible horror movie and strange enough to be checked out.


3. The Mighty Gorga (1969, Directed by David L Hewitt)

If King Kong ate nothing but toxic waste and then a box of Ex-Lax, the end result may just be "The Mighty Gorga". Or, if while watching King Kong Vs Godzilla a giant clown tore off your roof and vomited all over you and your television, that would give you an idea of what its like to watch this terrible horror movie.

Since trapping a giant gorilla apparently had never been done before, a circus owner and a sexy female trapper decide to capture Gorga and put him in the show. It works about as well as it did for Faye Ray and the gang. The best scene in this terrible horror movie is the "awesome" fight between Gorga and a green T-Rex, the likes of which can be bought in a drug-store and taped to a stick. I say this because that is exactly what it is...they shake him around a bit, and of course, you can see the puppet-stick and the string used to open and close his jaws. If I ever meet the director of this movie, in this life or the next, I plan to slap him once for every I.Q point I lost from viewing this terrible horror movie. There will be much slapping!


4. Color Me Blood Red (1965, Herschell G. Lewis)

This is the third installment of the infamous "Blood Trilogy", which include Blood Feast, Two Thousand Maniacs, and Color Me Blood Red. Why exactly it’s called a trilogy I can’t quite explain, as most such trilogies have at least SOMETHING to do with another. Call me silly I suppose.

Lewis' films may be some of the first "Gore Films" ever made, and if you watch one today it is nothing like what we see in many movies like Hostel or similar films. The gore in this terrible horror movie looks more than a little fake, and the blood usually looks like tempera paint like you used in school. However, remember this as made 40 years ago, and you’re supposed to be using your imagination as well. That said...

Yah....it sucks....

A local artist, whose talent and career are in the crapper, accidentally gets a little of his girlfriend’s blood all over one his paintings. When he shows the painting to a local art critic, the idiot thinks it’s the best thing since Jason’s' hockey mask. So, our starving artist uses his own blood to keep painting. Can you smell the stupid yet? Keep whiffing.

After realizing he can only use so much of his own blood before he keels over, (insert loud DUHHH sound), naturally, he decides to kill others for more. Hey, a man's gotta eat and keep the lights on, right? The only decently gruesome scene (for the time) is when the artist is milking some fresh paint from some intestines. Not from concentrate! Freshly squeezed!

This one isn’t so bad for a terrible horror movie. It will only cause a bit of a headache and some mild abdominal cramps, as opposed to the explosive diarrhea from the above films. I think maybe "Color me Shit Brown" may have been a more appropriate title, but I doubt anyone would have come and seen it if they had done so. Come to think of it, that name sounds like something I accidentally downloaded once...*shudder*. (Yay! bukkakke jokes!)


5. Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla (1952, Directed by William Beaudine)

If the title alone won’t scare you away from this terrible horror movie, then I suppose it is my responsibility to attempt to save what pitiful sanity you may still possess. HERE THERE BE SUCKAGE! ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO WATCH THIS! There. My obligation is now done. Oh? You want more?

Fine...

Let us just say that my favorite performers are most certainly NOT Dean Martin, and most especially (and I can’t make this any clearer) NOT JERRY LEWIS.

Having made this perfectly clear, lets BE clear...the stars of this terrible horror movie only WISH they were Martin and Lewis. In fact, the "stars" of this festering pile of stewing goat innards, Duke Mitchell and Sammy Petrillo, were actually sued by Jerry Lewis in order to make them stop completely ripping off Martin and Lewis' act.

So...what is worse than a 70 Minute movie starring Jerry Lewis?

A 70 minute movie by a Jerry Lewis wanna-be!

On their way to another show, our two intrepid heroes end up as guests in a native village in the jungles of South America. Or, maybe Africa...the film never really says, and it really doesn’t matter. No matter where you look you will you find a village full of white folks pretending to be natives, like in an M. Night Shamalan movie - but he cant help it, he’s retarded I think.

Soon our heroes wind up as the unwitting guests of our obligatory Mad Scientist (there’s always at least one), Bela Lugosi. Bela wants to turn monkeys into...umm...small monkeys apparently. Since our “Dean-o-like” hero, Duke, just happens to fall in love with the native village's princess, who just happens to ALSO be highly educated AND Lugosi's assistant (Oy Vey!) Lugosi decides to turn Duke into a gorilla. Well, he succeeds, and the only way Duke is recognized is by singing the movies theme song to Sammy. That’s right, this movie has a singing gorilla. Once again, this film also reveals a "whew, it was only a dream" ending, making me want to stomp bunnies. Cute helpless ones.

I feel so bad for poor Bela. This is the guy who scared the knickers off of millions with his, the definitive, portrayal of Dracula. This is the guy who would define Dracula for generations to come. It’s sad to see what became of Bela at this point, and sadder to think that from here, he would only do smaller budget films with Ed Wood, and the like.

Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla is not just a terrible horror movie, but may just be the worst Horror Movie ever made.

Until Next Time,
-The Squatch.