The Horror of the Horror Remake.

by tways
(TR, SC)

Well... I just visited IMDb where I found info on a remake of Friday the 13th. Now supposedly, it's a remake of the original, yet the movie poster and tag indicates Jason's presence. I'm normally all for any exposure for my all-time favorite franchise villain, but due to some recent remakes of horror classics I grew up with... please, say it ain't so!

I'd like to do a run through of some of the remakes I've seen... they aren't all bad but the odds are against Jason's reemergence being a successful one.

"The Fog" -- Lousy acting...lousy CGI...lousy remake. Pretty much pointless. I can't remember most of it though it's not been that long since I've seen it...dull...but I remember enough to know that I'll take the cheesy creepiness of the original over the bland prettiness of this film.

"The Amityville Horror" -- The original wasn't all that great but it did have some memorable moments. The only thing I remember from seeing the remake was a feeling a loss for the money I spent to see this crap. I did think the little girl was a little creepy.

"King Kong" -- Remade a second time, Peter Jackson's version was over-long, over-blown, and over-exposed. It would have made Michael Bay proud. I felt like this film would ever end. The effects were cartoonish. Compare the dino's in this film to the ones in "Jurassic Park" from 15 years ago. Question: How many times can an actor do the "slowly I turned" routine in one movie? Answer: When said movie is over 3 hours long...as many times as they want to.

"Day of the Dead" -- To be fair I didn't make it through this remake. But that was because what I did see was shit. There is no nicer way to put it.

"Night of the Living Dead" -- No attempt should have been made to remake this classic. That said...director Tom Savini, special effects genius and obvious lover of the genre, handled it fairly well, changing very little until the end. Mainly, he just upped the gore factor.

"Texas Chainsaw Massacre" -- This remake wasn't a total waste of time. The deaths of the hapless victims are much more graphic although the girl on the meathook bit in the original is still a grimace inducer.

"Dawn of the Dead" -- If it weren't a remake, this would be more widely considered a great horror film. Unlike most other remakes, this one was made with respect for the original. Good casting...and great choices of songs, namely the opening theme by Johnny Cash and Richard Cheese's hilarious re-do of Disturbed's "Down with the sickness".

"John Carpenter's The Thing" -- This remake came out so long ago that I'm sure some studio is considering a remake of the remake by now, but I had to include this one because when something is done right, especially in Hollywood, it should be noted. The original black and white about a giant space carrot may have been thrilling for it's time (before MY time)but the remake was a great movie for all time. Carpenter paced this film well, letting the suspense build before nailing us with mind-blowing creature effects. Today's cgi don't compare with the effects of this film and another 80's remake of a black and white film, "The Fly". Both superior in every way to the point that they don't even compare. As a matter of fact, I guess these are more "updates" than remakes.


Remakes I never want to see:

"Last House on the Left" -- It looks like it was shot as a documentary almost. The low budget works well for this movie.

"The Evil Dead" -- There are rumors of a remake helmed by the director of the original, Sam Raimi. I don't know if Raimi would put his heart into it like he and the rest of the cast did for the original. They thought what they were doing was "groovy" and it showed on the screen.

"Jaws" -- Another movie rumored to be remade. What could one possibly do with this? Give the shark wings? Rabies? How about genetically inhanced intelligence? Been done. Oh, I know, make the shark out for revenge for it's fallen bretheren by making it a personal vendetta against the Brody family who should think about maybe moving to Nebraska. Leave it alone. How can you do better than making people think twice about swimming in the ocean?

"Friday the 13th" -- back to the subject at hand. I love the original and the series but nothing I can say can justify it's existence other than it was a cool movie about random killings. It didn't aspire anything more than to make a few bucks. It, and it's sequels, through sheer relentlessness, made Jason Voorhees an icon. Once again, leave it alone.

That's all I've got.