Worst Horror Movies

by The Squatch

The trouble with analyzing movies that are truly abysmal is deciding what makes one movie worse than another. For those of us who enjoy watching the worst horror movies, choosing the worst isn’t always obvious. Therefore, it is hard to say which of these films is the winner of The Absolute Worst Horror Movies, but they all certainly will cause bowel torsions and scattered periods of narcolepsy followed by the anger of having about 90 minutes of your life forever stolen.


You've been warned....


1. Robot Monster (1953), Directed by Phil Tucker.

There is about 20 seconds in the entirety of this film that do not make me want to smash something. The rest of the sixty or so minutes...does.

Aside from having some of the worst special effects I have personally ever seen, actors that were carved from wood and a plot that is so thin you can see light coming through it, we get the true gravy of this film right from the villain "RO-MAN". Ro-man is a guy in a gorilla suit wearing a diver’s helmet on a face that somewhat resembles a foreskin. Apparently, while the beginning credits were rolling, Ro-Man had already wiped out nearly the entire human race. However, it takes him the rest of the film to get the five people trapped in a backyard guarded by chicken wire. The fact that Ro-Man’s ultimate weapon is a reel-to-reel tape recorder strapped to a bubble machine (yes, you heard me) may explain why... Apparently Ro-Man stopped at Lawrence Welk's garage sale on his way to Earth.

This movie is easily as bad, if not worse than anything Ed Wood ever did (see below for more on Ed Wood).


2. Godmonster of Indian Flats (1973), Directed by Fredric Hobbs.

How many movies have you seen where a mutant sheep wreaks havoc in a historic silver mining town after being brought to term in a test tube, all the while a ruthless local politician tries to make trouble for a visiting man who was sent to look into buying property? Probably none.

Well then..this entry to the worst horror movies is for you. This is one of the most bizarre films I have ever watched, and not just for the "Godmonster", which should be considered the "worst monster ever". Godmonster is a mutant sheep, possibly bred with a human through a process that is to weird too explain that involves strange gases that seep from the earth...yeah, like I said...weird. The creature looks like TV's Alf and the Snuffaluffagus had a retarded offspring.

It seems that our hideous and stupid creature is also misunderstood, as he stops to dance with a local hippy.

I would like to say that this creature goes out riding the war-wagon, taking innocent townspeople to their deaths before they finally destroy him....but that is not the way it happens. Rather, we are left with the question "who was truly the monster?" I am still not sure - I say the director! One of the worst horror movies? Let’s just say that GodMonster of Indian Flats was so bad I had to buy it.


3. Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter (1966) Directed by William Beaudine.

I can not say enough unpleasant things about this film. If Satan himself needs a laxative, he should watch Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter.

While evading the law after another wacky bank robbery, Jesse James and his strapping Germanic sidekick find themselves the guests of Good ol' Doctor Frankenstein's daughter…or his grand-daughter actually…and since Gustav is wounded and dying she thinks HEY, I will make another monster and continue Granddad's work. Perfect plan, right? Wrong. Jesse will stop her...cuz he is a wild west hero...and from the looks of him so uptight he squeaks when he farts. The acting is so bad, it makes me angry. I would rather watch a Keanu Reeves acting class....No Really! I wish there was some redeeming quality to this film...but there is not. Well, it is in color...yay, color! This is a terrible member of the worst horror movies from a forgettable horror-western genre, the likes of which played briefly at drive-in theaters as a double feature. Only watch this film if you are a glutton for Cinema Cheese, seriously.


4. Orgy of the Dead (1965) Directed by Stephen Aspotolof, written by Ed Wood.

Some people say Plan 9 From Outer Space
is the worst horror movie ever, mainly because it is the only terrible Ed Wood horror movie they have heard of. Plan 9 is not even Ed Wood's worst, let alone the winner of the worst horror movies ever – Orgy of the Dead may be Wood's worst.

Two hapless youngsters survive a car wreck, and wander into a local cemetery where Criswell, "The really gay vampire" called "Emperor", forces recently dead young hotties to dance about for him while he decides their fates. That is it. That is the plot. The rest of the film is taken up by half-naked dancing hotties and guys wearing monster masks that look like they were bought off the shelf at a drug store.

As a guy I believe that some of the worst horror movies can be saved by what I call the "Titty Factor". As in: "Well, that movie sucked, but at least there were tittes!" I tell you now...not even titties can save this film. By the time that Orgy of the Dead was made Woods career was in the toilet, and he had sunk into a bottle. Orgy of the Dead was one of a series of nudie-monster movies used to sell a few tickets in a weak attempt to cash in on Wood’s name.


5. Manos, the Hands of Fate (1966) Directed by: Hal Warren.

This film was given some notoriety a few years ago when it was aired by the gang at MST3K. (Mystery Science Theater 3000). This was an excellent choice as I have rarely seen a more worthy inclusion among the worst horror movies. I assure you, noble reader, no meager words of mine can truly share just how bad this film is. It is not just bad, nor is the acting merely stiff. The plot, what little of it there is, is nearly undetectable. The only, and I mean only redeeming factor is that the director was trying to achieve some interesting visual images with wardrobe. I say "trying" because he failed like a fat kid in dodgeball.

A couple of youngsters take a nice trip to the country, where they stumble upon an old farmhouse, and discover a crazy satanic cult. Wackiness ensues. At the start of Manos: The Hands of Fate the crap starts rolling right away as we see nearly ten minutes of a driving scene…The same 10 seconds of footage, over and over again. Throw in one of the lamest villains (named Torgo, who may or may not be a centaur-like man) and the lead-villain who heads the cult, wearing a big black robe with red hands on it and a mustache that would make Burt Reynolds burn with envy, and you've got a recipe for stupendous suckage. If you attempt to watch this film, I strongly suggest getting the MST3K version, as the original is nearly unwatchable. Even with Joel and the gang making cracks this movie is still hard to get through...no kidding.

Well, there is one other redeeming factor to Manos, The Hands of Fate. It is a good demonstration of the fact that anyone can make a movie and some people will watch it. If you yourself have ever dreamed of making your own movie and trying to get folks to see it, but you thought that your ideas were never good enough for the big screen, watch Manos. If Director Hal Warren can do it, you can do it. A worthy contender for the worst horror movies.


Well this concludes my reviews of the worst horror movies. Which of these is the "Worst Ever"? That's hard to say - what makes one turd smell worse than another? Any of the five will make you somewhat angry for having had to watch them. You will be demanding the 90 minutes of your life back, and may be a little gun-shy about watching such films again. That, of course, means you had fun doing it. Sadistic isn’t it?

-Squatch.