Zombie Fragrance... Life Saver or Big Waste of Time?

by Rob
(Marina, CA, USA)

Hello Zombie Master

A quick consultation please. I'm down to my last three 9mm clips and my front door is just barely holding to its hinges. The moaning is really loud and I think they have figured out how to use... something out there... as a makeshift battering ram.

I have seen some questioners on your site ask about fooling the zombies by simply pretending to be one (like they did in "Shaun of the Dead.") That doesn't work because they SMELL you, and know you aren't one of them--which is also how they know not to eat each other. HOWEVER, if you can mask the olfactory essence of living flesh somehow, like with a heavy application of some other smell... could that trick them? For example, if I douced myself with a whole bottle of Hi-Karate?? Or Brut?? Would that at least confuse them long enough to slip past and make a run for it??

I'd appreciate your consideration as soon as possible. The nails in the window barricades are beginning to pull out. If you think this stratagem might work, I've got half a quart of Provocateur and most of a spritzer of Sarah Jessica Parker "Lovely" ready to go! They were my wife's... I used her for a distraction already, to make it back inside the house from the station wagon--she wasn't wearing any perfume at the time so I could not experiment.

Rob

**Follow Up***

Yes, I'm the guy who just asked the Zombie Fragrance question--I need to clarify. "Dowse" was the word I was lost with.. not "Douce." I think I had that on my mind because of all the hygiene products I had to dig through to find my wife's perfume. Sorry. A thousand pardons. You know how distracting it gets when you're aiming at heads and typing at the same time.

Rob

Rob,

First, calm down, take a deep breath and kick yourself in the butt for not stocking enough ammo.

Second, the "Provocateur" and "Lovely" mixed together would probably make a Dung Beetle change its diet so it is definitely worth a try.

Third, to bad you don't actually have the "Hi-Karate" and "Brut" because they have been shown to be a highly useful repellent of just about anything and when mixed together could "theoretically" melt the hide off of an Abrams tank.

Good luck,

Good hunting and aim high,

The Zombie Master